The Blog on Branding

The “How to” of Marketing Campaign How To’s

May 3rd, 2009 Posted in SEO

Implementing a successful marketing campaign can effectively bring more consumers to your website. One of the most searched phrases is “How to…”. This is a “How To” or Marketing Campaign How To’s. Below is a list of the top “How to’s” as well as tips on how to use this information to develop a successful marketing campaign.

Before reading the list, people should think long and hard about what this list implies: these are the 20 most-searched “how to’s.” This means that people collectively search for these questions in droves. The number one clocks in at 4,852 searches a day. Each “how to” has a story and similar stories that go with it. What’s on this list ranges from erotic to downright deranged. May God help us all.

“Before reading the list, think about its implications… May God help us.”

1. “How to Talk Dirty to my Boyfriend” (4,852 searches a day)

When this phrase is typed into Google, the number one article that comes up is from ehow.com. Their suggestions include practicing by yourself and doing research on the subject (i.e. reading erotic stories or watching erotic movies). Just think. Those people you see burning the midnight oil at the library, stocking up on the Marquis De Sade and Henry Miller’s Tropic of Cancer, aren’t studying for a big Literature midterm. They’re trying to do research on eroticism so they can please their significant others with dirty talk!

“Don’t be fooled by this seemingly innocent stack of library books.”

2. “How to give head” (3,514 searches a day)

For some reason, an airplane flotation-device diagram comes to mind with this “how to.” Does the Internet provide a step-by-step visual aid for this? Unfortunately (or fortunately?), no. But discussion forums offer verbal advice, while YouTubers give video demonstrations.

3. “How to have sex” (2,536 searches a day)

Apparently, parents and/or guardians plus public schools are not doing their jobs effectively anymore if students have to search for this online. The number one link on Google comes from about.com, with an article aimed at teenagers. No diagrams or step-by-step instructions are involved; just advice to teenagers thinking about having sex.

“Apparently sex ed was cut from the budget this year…?”

4. “How to” (2,029 searches a day)

Is there a “how to how to?” “How do I type in how to”? Apparently, ehow.com and wikihow.com are the two leading “how to” websites. When typed into Google, these two are at the top of the list.

5. “How to make hair bows” (1,905 searches a day)

Finally, a “how to” that is clean. Way-to-be heard, eleven-year-old girl demographic! Although, for all I know, “hair bows” could be some kind of kinky sexual fetish I have yet to learn about.

When the phrase is typed in, the number one and two links that come up are to a Girly Things web site as well as a YouTube video that shows you how to make a hair bow. From blowjobs to hair bows, is there anything YouTube doesn’t cover?

“Tricky pink ribbon… or unknown sexual fetish?”

6. “How to tell if a guy is attracted to you” (1,758 searches a day)

Men are a confusing bunch appearing as targets twice within six “how to’s.” Women have been trying to solve #6 for years. However, even the Internet doesn’t have all the answers to this one.

I’m surprised that this isn’t number one. I thought maybe with this list we would see a natural progression with each relationship “how to.” “How to ask guy out.” “How to introduce guy to parents.” “How to figure out what guy is thinking.” “How to erase tattoo with guy’s name.”

“Perhaps this would progress to ‘How to erase tattoo with guy’s name.’”

7. “How to check out a hoax” (1,722 searches a day)

Apparently, people are very interested in Urban Legends. The number one link to appear on Google when this phrase is typed in is to snopes.com, which is a reference guide for everything you’d like to know about truth versus hoaxes. The number one “Hottest Urban Legend” people are searching for in May 2009? Whether cell phones must be added to the “do not call” list.

8. “How old do you have to be to work at McDonald’s” (1,670 searches a day)

I typed in “How many people work for McDonald’s” to see how relevant this question is, whether there is a lot of demand to work for the fast food chain. WikiAnswers estimated 48,569,853,365,498 people work at McDonald’s. Thus, 1,670 searches doesn’t seem like much.

“The Mickey D’s employment age is quite a burning question.”

9. “How to turn beer green” (1,645 searches a day)

For those people who celebrate St. Patty’s Day’s half birthday and all the monthly birthdays in between.

10. “How to play soccer” (1,613 searches a day)

Soccer has been the “sport of the future” for years. Apparently, it will stay this way until people figure out how to play the dang thing.

11. “How to write a reference” (1,579 searches a day)

This “How to” kind of feels like the Sesame Street song One of these things is not like the other/One of these things just doesn’t belong. How did we go from blowjobs and dirty talk to this?

“One of these things is not like the other…”

12. “How to masturbate” (1,521 searches a day)

When this phrase is typed in, the number three link to appear is letsmasturbate.com, a whole web site dedicated to the topic, which provides insight for both males and females on how to pleasure themselves.

I’m not gonna touch this one – and anyone who types this in obviously hasn’t either.

“Here’s something to get things started:”

13. “How to kill a fetus at home” (1,485 searches a day)

I truly hope that people just don’t have the time to type in “feet fungus” and hybrid to “fetus” instead. Sadly, when typed in, this phrase brings up links to at-home-abortion testimonials, including one from zdobz.com. It’s strange to see this web site as home to a variety of other questions, including, “How tall is Lenny Kravitz?”

14. “How to make paper weapons” (1,481 searches a day)

Because you never know when you might get chased into a back alley and need a good paper shiv.

15. “How to find the volume” (1,475 searches a day)

My question is, “the volume to what, exactly?” In fact, “the volume” in this phrase is in reference to Geometry problems, with most of the links popping up on Google pertaining to the subject. For example, “How to find the volume to cylinders/cubes/etc.”

For fans of the 1990’s techno band MARRS, this “how to” inevitably leads to the follow-up question of, “How to pump it up.”

“Which volume were you looking for…?”

16. “How to make a mojito” (1,481 searches a day)

Also goes by, “How to start an alcohol problem.”

17. “How to get licensed as a counselor “(1,473 searches a day)

People who look this up have already developed the alcohol problem, didn’t get the job at McDonald’s, and decide to charge themselves for the counseling they need as the best way to remedy the situation.

18. “How to cut roof rafters ” (1,450 searches a day)

I added myself to the group of people who looked up this “how to” only because I had no idea what a roof rafter was. Askthebuilder.com had an article on the subject, but lost me within the first sentence when it talked about “framing.”

I don’t know why so many people would search for this. Perhaps the consequences of poorly cut roof rafters are a silent killer, slowly debilitating people across the country.

19. “How to make ecstasy” (1,444 searches a day)

Good to know before you head out to your next Rave.

“Ecstasy: a staple in everyone’s recipe box.”

20. “How to kiss” (1,444 searches a day)

Perhaps the sweetest of questions on the list. I think of a 14-year-old girl typing this in, with Seventeen magazine sprawled on her bedspread next to her dress for the Friday night school dance. It makes you wonder how people go from asking this question to “how to kill a fetus at home.” And it also makes you wonder whether this girl’s “how to kiss” inevitably lead to the latter question.

How to Use These How To’s?

Honorable mentions that didn’t make the top twenty include such gems as “I want a diagram of how to butcher a beef cow” and “How to draw a nose.” While the questions people type in cover a variety of topics (including origami, abortion, and alcoholic beverages), apparently sex, drugs, and roofs are what computer users are mainly concerned about in today’s society.

Of all the “how’s” and “how to’s,” I think the biggest conundrum involves the people who type these searches into their keyboards in the first place. It’s scary to think of some of these questions as the inner workings of everyday people you encounter. You never know which one of your friends wants to know how to talk dirty to YOUR boyfriend, or whether that new guy at work spends his weekends trying to make illegal drugs.

Just who is performing these searches is probably the biggest “how” question of all.

“Google is like a crystal ball for branders and marketers. “

With this knowledge, marketers and branders can take this information and use it to their advantage.

These top searches reveal a very surprising fact: people want to know how to do things.

This is where you and your marketing savvy come in. Creating an effective marketing campaign can help your product fly off the shelves and off your website. Your product can teach these people how to do the stuff they so desperately want to learn how to do.

Performing keyword researcg of “how to’s” can offer valuable insight into what your target audience’s problems are and how you can reach them. The key is to be able to effectively use AdWords, link building and keyword research to get a hold of your coveted consumers. Just search “how to use AdWords” – I’m sure you’ll find something.

Megan McLachlan Want content written for your Brand that shows up #1 on Search Engines and brings you new customers? Contact us.